Editor’s note (2026): Einstein Structured Settlements is no longer in business. This post is preserved for historical value as an early example of marketing copy so mangled it reads like someone had an accident with a piece of paper.
by Structured Settlement Watchdog
Einstein Structured Settlements’ ability to do something really dumb is proven, again. Reading their copy felt like watching someone collide with a piece of paper and lose the fight. Surely the brainchild of Ryan Blank and Richart Ruddie has their Owings Mills high school teachers quietly , cringing with the realization that their former students have weaponized malaprops for commercial use,
Einstein solicits people who have “suffered an accident with a structured settlement”
Say a bus of Einsteins collides with a structured settlement at 60 miles an hour. Like that’s a bad thing? So you dust off the”paper cut” sustained as you were propelled through “the windshield” into a lifetime of stable, income tax free bliss. Priceless! It’s not like you’re hitting a box truck, or a jackknifed water buffalo.
Then the Einstein jokers say “you can trust JG Wentworth competitor Einstein… to cash all your future money”. Cash all your future money. Ain’t that the half “truth”
– “Adrian, it’s not going exactly well. There’s a water buffalo jack-knifed up there”. Good Morning Vietnam (1987)
If you cash all your future money you will never ever get all of your money. because no matter which fakakta marketing scheme the Owings Mills duo come up with they can only pay you cents on the dollar, same as JG Wentworth.
Every picture tells a story…